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The History or Story Behind My Site
When the United States Border Patrol set up a check point at the Last Chance Saloon in Florida City effectively cutting off the Florida Keys at the confluence of the only two roads out; Last Chance owner, Skeeter Davis, was immediately on the phone to his old pal Mayor Dennis Wardlow of Key West. Meanwhile a seventeen mile traffic jam ensued while the Border Patrol stopped every car leaving the Keys supposedly searching for illegal aliens attempting to enter the mainland United States. Residents and visitors attempting to leave the Keys were puzzled about what illegal aliens could be hiding under their front seats, in their glove compartments, and in their trunks. The media starting reporting on the unprecedented action of the Border Patrol in setting up a border checkpoint within the United States, itself. As the stories of the traffic jam poured out across the nation and the world, visitors started canceling reservations to come to the keys. The hotels began to empty, deliveries were delayed or stopped, attractions in the Keys went begging for customers; the Key were paralyzed.
Community leaders started to gather around the Mayor to decide what to do. William E. Smith, Townsend Kiefer, John Magliola, Dennis Bitner, Jimmy Mira, Edwin 0. Swift III, David Paul Horan, and many others were very concerned. The very lifeblood of a budding tourism industry was threatened. Secessionist talk was bubbling up in each discussion. At the urging of Dave Horan, the legal route was chosen as the first alternative. Dave filed an injunction against the government?s action in Federal Court in Miami. Mayor Wardlow and Ed Swift piled into Dave?s airplane, and off to court they flew. Dave argued brilliantly, but the Court essentially refused to enjoin the Border patrol from treating the Keys like a foreign country. Leaving the courthouse, the delegation from Key West was met by a gaggle of the world press. "What are you going to do, Mr. Mayor", they screamed. Ed leaned over and whispered to Dennis, "Tell them we are going to go home and secede!" So...that is exactly what Dennis told them..."We are going to go home and secede".
Naturally, the press followed Dennis back to Key West. As the news of the Mayor?s intentions hit the newspapers and the airwaves, the community splintered. When the rumor flew that the American flag was to be lowered, and the Conch Republic flag raised in its place, a number of people were very upset. The calls came pouring in to the Mayor. A compromise was reached, the American flag would stay. The Conch flag would be raised underneath it.
Meanwhile, federal agents started pouring into town. Very conspicuous in the blue suits, shirt cuff microphone, and flesh colored earphones in this island community of Guyabara shirts, cutoffs, and sandals; the federal agents were intimidating in their presence. What would happen? Would everyone involved be arrested? Would the Keys be placed under martial law?
Fear was real. The community was deeply divided. On April 23rd, 1982, Mayor Wardlow surrounded by his loyal cohorts mounted the back of a flatbed truck in Clinton Square in front of the Old Customs building and delivered the following Proclamation to the assembled crowd (including a number of very vocal protesters):
Following the reading of the Proclamation, the new Prime Minister declared war on the United States, whereupon members of the new government "beat" the federal agents in attendance with stale Cuban bread. The Prime Minister then surrendered, and demanded foreign aid from the United States. We are still waiting for the foreign aid.
Thus, the plucky little Conch Republic was born. Amazingly, the United States government, although they immediately removed the roadblock, never bothered to react to the secession. They never sent even the littlest letter informing the Mayor that they objected to the secession, or "...while this was quite funny, you must realize you cannot be a real country..." Nothing, zip, zero, nothing by way of response...
Meanwhile, the Conch Republic continued to celebrate its independence, annually, in a public and notorious manner The flags flew, passports were issued and traveled on, visas were issued to visitors, the government "functioned"; in short, all the trappings of nationhood were observed while the U.S. said nada.
In 1990, the powers that be in the tourism industry decided that "Conch Republic Days", as the annual celebration of our independence was called, would be no more. "Not enough ?heads-on-beds?", they said.
It was no wonder...visitors didn?t understand the Conch Republic, and the high price parties at various destination resorts were not affordable to locals beginning to feel the pinch of high costs of housing and practically everything else.
Into the breach leapt the Second Sealord, Fleet Commander, and Owner/Captain of the Conch Republic Navy?s Flagship Schooner WOLF; the venerable Rear Admiral Finbar. Dismayed that our. eighth anniversary would go uncelebrated, The Rear Admiral rallied Paul and Evalena Worthington of the Schooner Wharf Bar, and this writer (destined to become Secretary General) to the cause. The Conch Republic Independence Celebration was born.
An excellent three day event was put together. The landmark "Last Tango On Tank Island" party was held. The Republic endured.
In recognition of the efforts of this writer on behalf of the Republic as coordinator of the event; then Prime Minister Captain Tony Tarracino appointed a new position, Secretary General of the Conch Republic...our chief bureaucrat, as it were.
As Secretary General, and armed with letters of introduction, Conch Republic Navy Captain Dean Rollings and myself traveled to the Bahamas aboard the CRNS NEPENTHE. Amazingly, we obtained an interview with the Permanent Secretary to the Foreign Minister of the government of the Bahamas, the Honorable Ms. Mary Sweetnum in February of 1991.
More Key West and Conch History
REPORT TO THE NATION:
THE CONCH REPUBLIC VISITS THE HOMELAND
By:
Secretary General - Sir Peter Anderson
The Permanent Secretary to the Foreign Minister of the Government of the Bahamas received us in the State receiving room at the Foreign Ministry on East Hill Street in Nassau. Sitting on the every edge of Queen Anne chairs we were sure no one had leaned back in over two hundred years, we presented our credentials.
As we proceeded to the body of the meeting, the Secretary?s first question concerned our goals as a nation, what did we hope to accomplish? Having never given this question a moments thought, we paused, but the Muse did not fail...
"Madam, the only anti-gravity device yet invented on this planet is levity. The world is in sore need of levity, so it our function as the Conch Republic to be the Joker in the Deck...you may not always wish to play with us, Madam, but we must be there, or you?re not playing with a full deck!"
When the Secretary regained her composure, she asked about taxes, did we have taxes in the Conch Republic?
"No, Madam, we don?t believe in taxes for the Conch Republic. When we need to raise money we throw a party."
As the meeting progressed two things began to characterize the discussion. The Secretary would either exclaim, "That is very amusing, but you?re serious, aren?t you?" or, "You?re actually serious; but it is so amusing!" The Joker was pleased.
Out of that meeting grew our first articulated Foreign Policy, which remains to this day:"The Mitigation of World Tension through the Exercise of Humor".
In 1993, the Conch Republic had existed without an official passport for about six years. The last one that had been printed was kind of tricky with things like Sex YES , check box if Keys Diseased, check box if traveling with mistress, secretary, "niece" or "nephew", and other stuff that was difficult to explain to an immigration officer. A new passport was in order. One that had "the look and feel" of the real thing.
In December they were ready, red diplomatic passports, and beautiful blue citizen passports. Over the next several years, Captain Rollings and the Secretary General made annual and sometimes bi-annual Diplomatic Missions to the Caribbean aboard the good ship CRNS NEPENTHE. Traveling solely on a Conch Republic Diplomatic Passport, the Secretary has been received by thirteen Caribbean countries and the United States.
We have had citizens and diplomats received by Sweden, Russia, France, Spain, Monaco, Ireland, Mexico, Ecuador, the United States, and many other countries. We have opened Conch-sulates in Switzerland, Germany, Austria, New Orleans, Ohio, Maine, Atlanta, and have more coming on line all the time.
Besides the diplomatic missions to the Caribbean, and our annual Conch Republic Independence Celebration (which became a Ten Day Event with the "Ten Days of the Tenth" 1992 10th anniversary celebration) things were kind of quiet for the Conch Republic until March of 1994 when President Clinton announced the Summit of the Americas to be held in December in Miami.
REPORT TO THE NATION:
SUMMIT OF THE AMERICAS
By:
Secretary General - Sir Peter Anderson
It all began with a FAX from the Citizen in March of this year.
"President Clinton has announced the "Summit of the Americas" to be held in Miami in December. Was the Conch Republic going?"
The press release stated that Summit organizers were seeking countries to participate in the planning process, and in setting the agenda. The Conch Republic immediately forwarded the White House our acceptance of the invitation, and our offer of help. As the "Last Bastion of the Overqualified" we offered an enormous talent pool gleaned from the entire planet. We stated that strong societies evolve from systems where each individual has the opportunity to make of themselves what they wish. We spoke of sensitivity to trans-national pollution sources, and the alleviation of poverty through creativity, magic, serendipity, hard work, and unlimited opportunity for self-expression. We were ignored.
In August we began the search for hotel space during the Summit by conch-tacting the Hotel Inter-Conch-tinental which had been designated by the United States Department of State as an official delegation hotel. We were going to the Summit, anyway. Sheryl Sevilla in the hotel?s sales department informed us that the hotel was completely booked by the State Department. However, she thought that they might not actually take the Royal and Presidential suites because they were "unequal accomodations", and protocols demand that no favoritism be shown. The Presidential rented for $2200 per night, the Royal for $2500 per night. We offered $1500 per night for the Royal, leaving the Presidential open for Bill and Hill.
Two weeks later in early September, Ms. Sevilla called back and informed us that the State Department had released the Royal to the Conch Republic", and that they would accept our offer!!!
We were stunned. The State Department allowing the Conch Republic to mingle with the heads of State at the Summit!!?? Was this a prelude to allowing our participation? Why in a hotel entirely secured for visiting heads of state were we allowed to be there?
Citizen reporter Sarah Hollander queried the State Department for her article, "Parties are Made to Crash". Mr. Alexander Almasov replied that the Conch Republic was not invited, and besides, we were Florida and the US; not a country. We faxed Mr. Almasov a letter explaining that we were, indeed, a country under international law governing "adverse possession" between sovereign nations. We explained that the United States had never reacted to our Secession in over twelve years, and that by virtue of holding our sovereignty in a "public and notorious" manner, we had sovereign rights. We also explained that we had no intention of interfering with the legitimate interests of the US (as we were intensely loyal Americans), and that our mission to the Summit involved only our message of "humor and respect" which we thought the Hemisphere could use a lot more of. We were ignored.
Despairing of getting anywhere with the State Department, we faxed a letter to the Co-Chairs of the Florida Steering Committee for the Summit including Lt. Gov. Buddy MacKay, and Miami Herald publisher David Lawrence, asking them to "help us find our rightful place in this historic event."
Mr. Lawrence wrote us back! However, he cautioned us that this Summit was serious business, and that we were in a position to do the US serious harm in the Hemisphere by making fun of the Summit. Appalled, we wrote back explaining that "humor based on derision was not the kind of humor we found funny in the Conch Republic", and that we had no intention of making fun of the Summit; and only wished to spread our message of "humor, and respect."
Mr. Lawrence wrote back applauding "humor and respect", and told us he was forwarding our entire package to Mr. Mack McLarty at the White House, and to Amb. Charles Gillespie at the State Department. We were finally being considered at the very top. The euphoria was short lived, however, when our calls to Mr. McLarty and Amb. Gillispie went unanswered. The secretaries in both of their offices thought we were quite funny, but the bosses wouldn?t play.
We explained to them in faxed transmissions that as "America?s Own Little Country", as shining examples of a country that wasn?t afraid to reinvent itself to meet changing times, and our contention that we represent what is best about America; we could and would be an asset to America in Hemispheric politics. They still ignored our existence.
Meanwhile, our delegation to the Summit was taking shape. Mel Fisher?s Maritime Heritage Society agreed to produce an exhibit of the Lost Treasures of the Nuestra Senora de Atocha and the Santa Margarita. Mel himself, as our Minister of Underwater Affairs agreed to attend; and became our first sponsor. The Hog?s Breath, Rick?s Bar, the Green Parrot, Audio-Video International, Blue Heaven, Emeralds International, Key West Marine Hardware, and the Key West Shirt Factory graciously agreed to sponsor our delegation, as well. As the only country going to the Summit by virtue of the willing consent of the governed (i.e.: voluntary contributions instead of tax dollars) we were on our way! Reef Relief contributed an exhibit to our presentation, and we felt we had an effective delegation.
Meanwhile, David Lawrence continued to put pressure on the White House and State Department to include the Conch Republic by publishing an article about our exclusion from the Summit as snubbed guests whose "unarmed, but disarming campaign" to establish sovereignty was being ignored.
On Thursday morning, the 8th of December at 8 AM, we departed the Conch Republic for the Summit. Arriving at the Hotel Inter-Conch-tinental, we found the place literally swarming with police, military, Secret Service and State Department Security personnel. Producing my red Diplomatic Passport from the Conch Republic, we were waved right through to the front of the hotel portico, and up the red carpet to the lobby.
We were thoroughly dressed for the part. Undersecretary, Tim Smith was pin striped in blue, Special Attache for Order out of Chaos, Carol Bentley-Ely was dazzlingly befrocked. And Barbara Cora Gohringer, Personal Assistant to the Secretary General wore a lovely silk suit. We cut a swath through the lobby to the amazed looks of the Secret Service, carrying the sacred Queen Conch.
Ushered to the 33rd floor by bemused hotel personnel, who were well briefed on our delegation, we found the entire floor secured by State Department Security. The Canadian Prime Minister was down the hall, and the Secretary Genera of the Organization of American States was right next door. We moved in and set up our presentation. Blowing the Conch Horn to warm the cold marble brought State Department Security right away. They smiled, they laughed, they loved it...
Later we found out we were under a State Department media "blackout."
Having listened to many complaints during television round table discussions of the abuse of the credentials process by government, we shouldn?t have been surprised. If government wants something blacked out, they merely threaten to withdraw an individual?s press credentials to cover an event. We ran into this immediately when a television crew wandered into our suite while waiting to interview OAS Secretary General, Cesar Gaviria of Columbia, our next door neighbor. "Ah!", they said, "this is exactly the kind of color we would like to cover...can we come right back and interview you?" Of course... We watched as State Department Security took them aside for a chat...we never saw them again. Isolated and alone, we bemoaned the death of the free press...the free exchange and expression of ideas.
As we sat and pondered how to handle the blackout, we looked out over Biscayne Bay from 33 floors up. The Florida Marine Patrol was out on the Bay in force. Thirty boats patrolled back and forth securing the hotel and its docks. The largest was flying a blue and yellow flag from its stern. Could it be possible? Was that a Conch Republic flag? It was worth a look.
Down on the dock, the red passport worked its magic, and sure enough, the ORION out of Key West was flying our flag! Blowing a blast on the Conch Horn got their attention, and they motored over. "When we got here and saw all these flags, we got out our own", said the Skipper! It was a beautiful sight.
Our spirits restored, we set about the daunting task of luring summit delegates to our suite. Mel arrived. Wrapping a two pound gold chain around the neck of our hotel convention service representative, Cathleen Kenny, Mel convinced her to allow us to display his posters in the lobby. Our magnificently dressed delegation took one-page flyers, and our background booklets on the Conch Republic down to the lobby and buttonholed delegates, heads of state, and even Commerce Secretary Ron Brown.
The trickle of visitors to our suite became a flood. They listened to our story, ogled the treasures, picked up Reef Relief information; obtained passports, and went away delighted with our Tiny Islands Nation.
Meanwhile, the State Department Security guys were starting to relax and enjoy the Conch Republic. Coming into our suite they began to ask for passports, laugh with us, and respect the dignity and decorum we were exhibiting. "Investigation of passport fraud is our other task," they joked as we took their pictures and validated their Conch Republic Passports. They left laughing and muttering about their jobs.
Two gentlemen from the Miami Police Department Special Investigations Section arrived with guns and scowls, asking for the full names and dates of birth for those staying in the suite. They left with passports, bumper stickers, and smiles. The Joker was pleased. They were beginning to appreciate a full deck.
Delegates began to arrive. The Finance Minister from Trinadad and Tobago, the Minister of Trade and Industry from Belize, members of the Canadian Delegation, gentlemen from Columbia, several White House Fellows, the Trade Representative from the Democratic National Commitee, the head of the Argus Foundation, representatives from the Ocean Bank, and a small flood of State Department Security people all wanting passports. We were a hit.
Late Saturday afternoon the heads of state returned by boat to the hotel dock from their hard day?s work at Viscaya. A dozen heads of state from the Caribbean were at our hotel; and disembarking with their delegations. Well loved by State Department Security at this, point, we were allowed to bring out flag and Conch Horn onto the dock to welcome them back. Mighty blasts from the elegant Queen brought broad smiles to the faces of the weary Prime Ministers, Presidents, and delegates. Our mission was bearing fruit.
The Conch and the flag also attracted the Associated Press, CNN, the London Financial Times, and a Toronto daily to our delegation. We were overcoming the blackout. Asked our position on free trade by the Financial Times we told them we believed in free everything, especially people.
In the end we were interviewed by all of the above, plus Reuters News Service worldwide; the Voice of America, WSBH in Miami (a thirty minute interview), and are interviewing with the Canadian Broadcasting Company coast to coast and worldwide on shortwave. The world knows that the Conch Republic exists.
Our open house and reception on Saturday night brought Conch Republican Tim Wegman of A- 410 Piano service; Michele Hardin, Adrienne and Marcia of the duo Aye!, Robyn Fear, John Nowell, and Ariella Saks to the suite. The barge used for setting off the fireworks display positioned itself just below in Biscayne Bay. At 1:30 AM they began. The shells climbed and climbed until they were right at eye level from our vantage point 33 floors up, and then... exploded right in our faces. They built and climbed, ebbed and flowed, went on and on, building to a crescendo that literally filled the sky in front of our eyes with a magnificence that defied description. When the President wants to impress a Hemisphere, he can really put on a show.
Perhaps the most exciting outcome of our advent upon the world stage was an invitation by the old he-coon, himself, Gov. Lawton Chiles, to attend his Inauguration in Tallahassee on the 3rd of January. We spoke with his Inaugural Committee, and our arrangements were made. We were to be blowing a Conch Salute to the Governor...a Governor who also serves the Conch Republic as our Special Envoy for Mainland Affairs. As the only foreign country invited to his inauguration, we were proud. We carried the Flag, we carried the Queen Conch to Tallahassee, we weren?t blacked out this time... We were welcome!
REPORT TO THE NATION:
THE CONCH REPUBLIC GOES TO TALLAHASSEE
By:
Secretary General - Sir Peter Anderson
Coming out of the men?s room at the Hotel Inter-Conch-tinental during the Summit of the Americas... the Ol? He-Coon himself, Governor Lawton Chi1es?
"I sure am glad you?re still our Governor, and our Special Envoy for Mainland Affairs! Conch-gratulations, Governor!", said Secretary General, Anderson.
"Hey, why don?t you bring the Conch on up to my Inauguration?"
"Love to..."
On New Year?s Day we load it up and head off to Tallahassee. Warm clothes, and warm hearts... The Conch Republic is welcome in Tallahassee. We have been working with the Governor?s Inaugural Committee, and they are as excited as we are to be the only foreign country invited to the "Florida Jubilee ?95".
The Governor has planned a party, a big party. Not your average black tie, richy rich, reward the big money type party. Not for the he-coon the rich trappings of the highest office in Florida land. This is a party for people. Everything is open to the public. Everything is free. The whole deal is paid for by business sponsor...it reminds us of the Conch Republic Independence Celebration.
We are invited to set up a presentation booth in the Street Festival, and we are scheduled to blow the Conch Horn in salute to the Governor as he ascends the stage to address the throng.
Our tent is set up for us on Adams St. just down the hill from the Governor?s mansion. Across the street is the Ocala booth with a giant sausage cooker. Did they know that Ocala has the largest concentration of Conchs outside of the Republic? Yeah. It is 42 degrees, and we are freezing. Giant oaks sporting huge dreadlocks of Spanish moss overhangs the street. The natives are friendly, offering us heaters, socks, the use of a warm bathroom. The Inaugural Committee is young, enthusiastic, bright, and funny. They think we are funny, too.
Here cones a gaggle of clowns. Here comes Micky Mouse, Woody Woodpecker, the Queen of St. Augustine with her King and the Princess. A small knot of homeless folk gathering free food from all over the state. The World?s Largest Paella is being served in giant portions to one and all. The Seminoles are making pumpkin bread. Spaceport USA has an Astronaut wandering around in a gold foil helmet and space walking gear. Three stages are set up, and the music is non-stop. Little girls in regional costumes clogging, tap dancing, acting out skits. Ocala has the best roasted sausages we ever ate. The owl next door keeps flying off with his perch. Except for the dreadlocked oaks and the cold we could be on Duval St. during Fantasy Fest.
Lawton climbs up on stage with a rock and roll band and starts to jam and sing. Wearing this utterly ridiculous raccoon stole Rhea found in a second hand store, and a Australian bush hat, the Gov? is having some fun now.
Meawhile, our booth is doing landslide business. We brought a huge pile of Conch Republic Border Pass bumper stickers and temporary visas. We are giving them away to one and all. Everybody is giving stuff away. The food is free, the drinks are free, the flowers are free, the orange juice is free, the paella is free, the sausages are free. This is Florida celebrating itself.
A very distinguished Looking Latin gentleman approaches our booth... "Ah-hah!," he exclaims, "The Conch Republic in the flesh. You must be Secretary General Anderson! I?m Luis Laredo, Chairman of the Miami Host Committee for the Summit of the Americas, and let me tell you, the White House sure knows about you guys! What a trip you guys put me through. The memos between my office and the State Department and the White House over the Conch Republic... Whew!" "Actually", he says, "The Conch Republic gave me the only really great laughs I had during the Summit...I love you guys!"
"Would you like to join our Tiny Islands Nation; says I. "Get a passport...?"
It would be an honor... We take his picture, he fills out the passport application, we validate his passport. "Now raise your left hand and repeat after me. He does... "I pledge allegiance to the Flag of my Tiny Islands Nation. And to the Republic for which it stands...one Nation under the Sun... Indivincible...where the Liberty is true, and the Justice is divine." A blast on the Queen Conch, and a handshake...we have a new Citizen.
It is time to salute the Governor on stage. Striding out to the middle of the huge upper stage, horn to lips, a Conch Salute written especially for the occasion...a Gubernatorial, bop:
bop, de bob-bop; bop, bop, de bop-bop; bop, bop, de bop-bop?boooowahhhhat! Eyerybody smiles. Everybody claps. It is a polite audience. The Governor?s tickled.
He is definitely having too much fun. He makes a  few remarks about "if we are having some fun now, just wait until tonight. Where is my toy???!!!", he exclaims. Up on stage comes a "spud cannon". Yep....a killer spud gun. The Guv pounds a fresh Florida potato down the barrel, fills the breach with hair spray, and torches it off with grille lighter. Bah-whump!!, and the potato is off toward Monroe St. "Damn!", says the Guv, still dressed in the ridiculous raccoon stole and the bush hat, "That was a good one!" He reloads, This one schlumps through the air toward the Mansion. "Oh well", he says. He loads again. His lovely wife Rhea is getting worried. "He hasn?t been the same since he got that ridiculous spud gun for Christmas", she explains. It seems that a lot of mangled potatoes having been arching over the walls of the Governor?s Mansion. Where are we?
That night the Leon County Civic Center rocks, boogies, clogs, line dances, foxtrots, waltzes, and jams. A free concert for all. The amphitheater is festooned with huge balloon arches One arch has balloons that say, "Lawton Rocks". The next says, "Buddy Boogies". Above the stage is a large neon sign, "Rockin? with Lawton". The he-coon is on stage playing guitar, and singing with Billie Dean and Bo Diddly. It is all free, all open to the public, and totally, totally fun. The Guv knows how to throw a party. We are honored to be there. I wonder if he?d like to bring his spud gun down to the Great Battle for the Conch Republic some year? (Lawton Chiles passed away in late 1998. Godspeed, He-Coon!)
The 13th anniversary of the Conch Republic in 1995 saw a new event added to the schedule...the Election of a Royal Family for the Republic. Voting for Royal Family positions costs one dollar per vote, and all "votes" were designated to the new Conch Republic Foster Children?s Fund.
The fund is unique because there are no administrative costs assessed to the money raised. Each dollar goes, intact, to meet the special needs of children in foster care in Monroe County through the auspices of the State of Florida?s HRS unit in Monroe County.
Minister of Underwater Affairs, Mel Fisher, was elected King. Terry Weckleman of TIB Bank of the Keys was elected the first Queen. We got a Court Jester; a Duke of Earl, A TMOTCRRFFKAP, a new King of Beers, and much more. King Mel has been a great King for 1995-96. Let?s hope he is re-elected for 1996-97. (Mel continues to be re-elected King, year after year. The King is dead. Long live the King!)
1995 became even more interesting in September when the United States Army?s 478th Civil Affairs Battalion announced they were going to conduct exercises in Key West designed to "simulate a geographically isolated foreign country". Their press release became even more ominous when we read of their intention to "make contact with certain elements of the civilian population". We were not supposed to be alarmed... We went to a wartime footing, declaring DEFCON 5.
REPORT TO THE NATION:
THE GREAT INVASION OF 1995
By:
Secretary General - Sir Peter Anderson
On Wednesday the 20th of Sept. the Office of the Secretary General received information from Judith Anderson that WPIK was broadcasting a news item that the Conch Republic was about to be invaded by the 478th Civil Affairs Battalion of the United States Army Reserve. 
After conch-tacting the news director at WPIK to confirm the rumor, this Office called Prime Minister Dennis Wardlow to inform him of the pending invasion that was planned by the 478th without prior conch- sultation with our government. The Prime Minister stated his intention to take some much needed R&R from his own battles with Federalist Forces, and placed the Office of the Secretary General in command of the situation with full faith and confidence in our ability to defend the Republic.
At 10 AM the Armed Forces of the Conch Republic were placed on full alert subsequent to conch-sultation with the Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, Admiral Wilhelmina Harvey. WOZN (the Ozone) radio was briefed as the official Emergency Broadcast station of the Conch Republic, and they began to inform the citizenry and Armed Forces members of the grave situation we were facing.
By noon on Wednesday a letter was on its way to the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States, with copies to the Joint Chiefs of Staff at the Pentagon, and Secretary of State Warren Christopher via our Special White House Envoy, Kerry Kirschner in Sarasota.
This letter protested in the strongest possible terms this so-called "training exercise" being conducted in our country without any prior conch-sultation with our government. We assured the President that while we found this incursion lacking in Humor and Respect, we would find appropriately funny ways to repel it.
We set a War Cabinet meeting for that night. Rear Admiral Finbar of the Flagship Schooner WOLF, and Conch Republic Air Force General Freddy Cabanas attended, along with Rob and Roxanne Kunkle who formed INTERCONCH as our ultra secret Intelligence Conch-tingent. A Battle Plan was hatched for dealing with the unauthorized incursion of the 478th.
General Cabanas would bomb the convoy with stale Cuban bread (our historic weapon of choice for dealing with Federalist Forces) as they crossed the Boca Chica Bridge to soften them up.
Meanwhile, Admiral Harvey and Rear Admiral Finbar would muster the troops to meet the invaders at the Stock Island Bridge, and prevent them from entering the Capital.
On Thursday morning, the Office of the Secretary General conch-tacted elements of the 478th to inform them of our war footing, and copy them the letters of protest we had sent to the Commander in Chief, the Pentagon, and the State Department. The 478th was astounded. We informed them that they had committed a serious breach of international protocol; and were going to have to pay the price for this affront to our sovereignty under the adverse possession statutes of International Law, and their affront to our hospitality.
Meanwhile, the Conch Republic?s munitions industry, La Dichosa Bakery, was placed on full alert to produce vast quantities of stale Cuban bread. Their commendable performance in the face of the threat to our sovereignty will never be forgotten. Baking far into the night and the wee hours of the morning the produced a formidable quantity of ammunition.
The Northernmost Voice of the Conch Republic, SUN 103 in Key Largo, was placed on alert, and watches were set to report on the 478th progress in their incursion into the Conch Republic.
Meanwhile, the 478th was starting to wonder what they had gotten themselves into. At 9.45 PM a Major Muller was on the phone trying to talk their way out of full scale war. Major Muller explained that they were the "good guys", were not here to harm us, and hoped confrontation could be avoided. It was explained to him that our plans were set, were irrevocable, and that they would be repelled if they refused to meet our demands at the border of the Capital. The Major requested a copy of our demands, which were faxed to him as we talked. Upon review, the Major felt that our demands were acceptable. At 10:50 PM we received a fax from the 478th on U.S. Department of the Army letterhead stating that they had "...in no way meant to challenge or impugn the sovereignty of the Conch Republic".
We had won without firing a shot. The United States Army had acknowledged the sovereignty of the Conch Republic!
Even though the battle was now to be ceremonial, by Friday morning all was in readiness. WOZN had been on full Emergency Broadcast, and the citizenry was alerted and enthusiastic. INTERCONCH was in position. The Air Force was ready, Admiral Harvey was in uniform, and in command. Key West Lager had agreed to provide the beer, the Key West Police Department and the Sheriff?s Department had been alerted to expect an incident, and the 478th was rolling.
Over two hundred citizens and members of the Navy, Air Force, and Army (ours) were crowded at the foot of the Cow Key Channel Bridge. INTERCONCH kept Command and Control constantly apprised of the whereabouts of the lead elements of the 478L-h in spite of the fact that they were taking fire from the Conch Republic Air Force themselves as they crossed the Boca Chica Bridge. As the 478th rolled onto the Stock Island Bridge; the Armed Forces of the Conch Republic sallied forth onto the Bridge led by Admiral Harvey and Rear Admiral Finbar, and stopped the lead vehicle of the 478th dead in its tracks. Major Kim Hooper dismounted, and approached the Admiral. They were introduced. Admiral Harvey read him our list of Demands including her request of him to ask permission to enter our Country. He accepted all our demands with a very polite, "Yes Ma?am!" At that point, a mighty blast from the Queen Conch Horn, and a ceremonial blast of the WOLF?s cannon welcomed the Gentlemen and Ladies of the 478th onto our island. We had won!
Conch Republic history, indeed, but 1993 was not yet over. The U.S. government was yet to provide us with even greater opportunities to shine our light. The latter part of the year saw two shutdowns of the United States government over budget issues.
REPORT TO THE NATION:
U.S. SHUTS DOWN - CONCH REPUBLIC OPEN
By:
Secretary General - Sir Peter Anderson
In November, the United States government shut down...no passports, no parks, no services...shut down over the budget. The Conch Republic immediately faxed the world the following:
"KEY WEST - The Conch Republic, "America?s Own Little Country", is pleased to announced that it is unaffected by the U.S. Government?s partial shutdown; and that anyone needing a passport can apply for a Conch Republic Passport (overnight service available) through the Office of the Secretary General.
The Conch Republic?s Conch-sulates remain open in Atlanta, New Orleans, Maine, Switzerland, and Havana. All government services remain open in the Conch Republic.
We realize that the shutdown in Washington may further delay processing of the foreign aid we requested from Washington in 1982, but since we have been waiting for fourteen years, a few more days or weeks won?t matter.
Anyone desiring a Conch Republic Passport may conch-tact the Office of the Secretary General at 3O5-296-O213 for immediate assistance."
On day two of the shutdown we sent out, "Day Two, Conch Republic Still Open" and the text as it reads, above. Day Three, the same, and so on. Our persistence won a masthead editorial from the Editorial Board of the MIAMI HERALD in praise of the Conch Republic entitled, "A Stab at Nation Making" on Thanksgiving Day! Thank God for humor...", said the HERALD.
Things became less than funny, however, when the United States shut down again in December.
Our tour operators (who had lost a combined approximately $30,000.00 per day in revenues) during the Thanksgiving Holiday were facing the same devastating consequences in the single busiest time of the year, the Christmas week holiday.
REPORT TO THE NATION:
THE TAKING OF FORT JEFFERSON
By:
Secretary General - Sir Peter Anderson
When the Federal government shut down in December, the Conch Republic decided to "go to bat" for our tour operators being crushed economically by the closure of Ft. Jefferson in the Dry Tortugas National Park.
When we found out that the Smithsonian?s Vermeer Exhibit was being opened with private donations, we said our ourselves, "...why not reopen Ft. Jefferson with donations from our tour operators...?" The Office of the Secretary General was on the phone to the National Park Service at Everglades National Park, "How much per day to run Ft. Jefferson?"
The answer... approximately $1600 per day...was relayed to the operators. They immediately agreed to pay for the reopening. What was $1600 per day compared to the combined $30,000 per day they were losing?
So we called the Park Service and told them we had the money...reopen the Park! No dice, they said...we can only enter into agreements with the State of Florida...
"What about the Smithsonian," we asked...
"Uhhhh...I dunno..."
There was nobody home in Washington to ask. They were either furloughed, or on vacation for the holidays.
The Governor?s Office in Tallahassee couldn?t have been more helpful... They?d love to help, but there is no mechanism for the State to take private money and make official commitments based on private promises... They?d see what they could do...
The days wore on as our businesses went broker and broker. Frustrated by a government that just plain wasn?t home, we finally decided to take the bull by the horns and fly out there with a check for the first day of operation, and declare the Fort open in the name of the Conch Republic.
King Mel Fisher?s former attorney, David Paul Horan was ready to take the government to court, but they needed a "habeas corpus" to commit civil disobedience and get a citation for entering a "closed Federal facility". It was time to go to the fort.
Accompanied by intrepid Key West Citizen reporter, Jennifer K. Mahal, a private seaplane flew us to Ft. Jefferson to deliver the check, declare the Fort open in the name of the Conch Republic, and get a citation. Landing at the Fort in very rough conditions, (Jennifer earned herself a Citation for Valor on this day) we confronted the Park Service Staff. It was a very polite encounter, but the ticket was issued. The case called "The United States of America vs. Peter Anderson" was born.
"The United States of America vs. Peter Anderson" went to Federal Court several months later. You have never seen a government in more of a hurry to drop a case.
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